Innuendos no entiendo!
by smushi123
Summary: Alucard has tons of messed up innuendos in his from plan down nasty to just plan crazy. Let's check them out!


Chapter 1: Women do need to take care of themselves...don't they?

"Yes sir." said the spiked Blondie said to Integra who lit her cigar. "Good we don't need Alucard knowing this." she said. "Knowing what?" Said the red coated man who we all love. "Nothing." Integra replied. "Seras you may leave." Seras nodded before heading out.

"Know what?" Alucard asked again looking at Integra. "What is there to know?" he asked again. "Ask a different question Alucard." Integra said sitting down on her chair. "Fine." he nodded. It was silent for a few minuets. Integra raised an eyebrow looking at the vampire in red. "Well?!" She asked. She had lost all her patience. Alucard chuckled, "Alright. What were you and Police Girl talking about?" he asked. Integra sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. "A mission." She said. "Oh? Goons?" he asked with a smirk. "I've been waiting for some news." he said his smirk grew as he imagined himself dancing around as he killed goons. "No. This isn't your mission Alucard. Leave. That's an order." she said. He sighed with disappointment as he faded into a wall. If he couldn't figure out from Integra...then onwards to interrogating Seras!

Sera hummed to herself as she put on some lip gloss then some mascara. "Police Girl." Alucard's voice echo through her bedroom. "Gah!" She said jumping up hearing his voice the mascara hitting her eye. "Ow!" She said. Alucard blinked as he faded out from a wall. "What's this?" he asked picking up the mascara. Then shrugged as he tossed it not really caring what it is. Sera sighed as she muttered to herself how he shouldn't constantly be doing that. "Police girl." he said. Seras turned around and looked at him "Yes?" It went silent. The drains echoed her in her bedroom. "What the hell!! " He pulled out his gun as he aimed it at her. "Sir sir!" She said taking a step back "What are you doing?!" she asked. Alucard twitched looking at her. "What is that all over your face?!" he asked. Seras sighed "Sir it's mascara, and foundation, as well as a bit blush." she smiled cutely. Alucard twitched as he took a step back. "....." Last time he saw something like that was usually on a goon or something. Seras took a step forward. "Sir? Are you okay?" she asked once more. He shook his head and then nodded rapidly. "Police girl. Tell me what is the mission that Sir Integra gave you." he said. "Sir it's confidential. I can't tell it to anyone." She said walking past the red coat tall man. "Police girl." he said his voice going a bit deeper. Seras shrugged. "Sir. It was a strict order not to tell you." she said as she grabbed a bag. "Any who! See you later sir." she said walking out. Alucard stood there. How could SHE not be afraid of a giant monster as him!

7pm

"Ready sir!" Seras stood tall looking at Integra. Integra nodded. "Alright. "She handed Seras a list. Alucard watched from a door. As the two women exchanged. Seras had handed Integra a bag of white powder. Alucard's eyes widen. "_Integra? Doing drugs?!" _he couldn't believe what he just saw. He kept his ears perked as he listened. "Now please bring that before midnight." Integra said to the blond vampire who was wearing a black skirt with a red shirt. "Will do sir." she said before running out by now Alucard disappeared.

Walter walked into Alucard's room. Alucard sat there in his chair which he know called a throne as he sipped some of the blood in a pouch. "Walter." he said looking at the butler who stood in front of him. "Yes?" Walter responded. "Do you know by any chance what that mission of Police girl is?" he asked. Walter chuckled. "Sir it's confidential." He responded. Alucard squeezed the cup. "That's what I'm constantly getting!!!" He said irritated. "Forget this." he said before standing up and disappearing into a wall.

Walter chuckled as he stood in front of Integra. "He's obsessed in trying to figure out what's going on." he said. Integra nodded and smirked. "I know he is."

Sera walked into a store and looked around. "Ooh." she said in a little kids voice as she picked up a bottle of soap. Alucard watched keeping his distance. "Soap? Why would Integra need soap anyways? I haven't seen her in the shower since last Tuesday." he shrugged. He followed as the police girl walked over the counter. "Do you have any mud?" she asked rubbing the back of her head. "Nope." said the clerk. "We're all out of that. Maybe try the other store." he suggested. Seras nodded before walking out of the store. Alucard followed once again keeping his distance then tripped as a dog grabbed his coat. "Get get! Shoo!" he growled looking at the dog who growled back. Alucard began to tug on his red coat. "Let. Go you mutt!" he said. The dog kept pulling the coat. The fabric it being old began to break slowly. Alucard's eyes widen "YOU FUCKING MUTT" he said aiming his gun at the dog. A little girl ran over and smiled "Sorry sir." she said picking up her dog. "bad Bruno." she said before running off. Alucard watched then looked at his coat before disappearing.

_**9pm. **_

Alucard sighed 'And then the goon came and grabbed my coat and began to bite on it. Obviously I had let my guard down. So I shot it!" He fibbed. "As soon as I shot it another came and they had me surrounded and they began to try to take off my coat, but I fought back and shot those annoying things." he said with a heroic pose. Walter chuckled to himself "Oh my..." he said not believing it at all. "Alright well we'll get this fix in no time." he assured. Alucard nodded watching the butler walk off. Alucard grinned to himself as he sat back on his chair and began to sip some blood out of a cup. 10 minutes soon passed and began to get bored. "Where is that butler." he muttered to himself then shrugged. 20 minutes passed. "...." he sighed bored then stood up. He walked out of his room and began to walk down the hallways of the Hellsing manor.

"I know!" There was giggling going in Integra's office. Alucard paused. "They're getting high!" he said to himself putting his ear against the door. " I thought Integra new better." he muttered. Seras nodded. "I know this stuff works wonders. It relaxes people and it's nice!" Alucard's eyes widen. "They are using drugs." he muttered to himself. Integra shrugged. "It's good but I can't use the powder kind irritates my body." she said. Seras sighed. "Aww that bites." Alucard kicked down the door "How could you use such a thing!" he said. "Especially if hurts your body integr- Holy hell what is that?!" he said pulling out his gun and aiming it at both the girls. Integra smirked, she had a mud mask on her face and cucumbers as well. Seras had as well. Alucard paced by and forth "They turned you into a goon Integra!" he said. Integra stood up. "Alucard leave." he said. Alucard glared "No. I will not leave till I find out what's going on." he demanded. He kept his glare at the two girls who looked at each other. Seras rubbed the back of her head. "Sir it's a spa day...more like a spa night." she said. Integra nodded lighting one of her cigars. "A spa day?" he asked. "What's that?" He asked then shook his head. "That white powder!! What was it?" he asked taking a step forward. "Oh this?" Seras held up the white bag of powder. "This? This is just bathing salt." she said. "Sir Integra told me to collect them all. It irritates her skin so I gave it to her so she could throw it away." The Blondie shrugged. Alucard nodded. "And that list?" he asked. Integra sighed "It was her mission to bring me the things for a perfect spa day. Too bad it got ruined." she muttered. Alucard rubbed the back of his head. Seras looked up "Sir. Women do need to take care of themselves." Alucard nodded before walking out. "bad innuendo.' he said walking down the hall.

_**Hey Guys! Well I haven't been on here wow in 2 years to be exact. I thought I'd put up something new! Tell me if you like? What you don't like! Any good ideas you want me to add up in the next chapter? XD Well we'll see what happens when Seras decides to get a dog. Till then Ttyl!**_


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